"I will trade them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for grief, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. that they may be trees of righteousness" Isaiah 61:3
I was extremely overwhelmed today, my heart was overflowing, and not really in the way I wanted it to. No, it was more in the way that drained me. So much so, that by the time I got to my music lesson, I was almost in tears.
I sat there in the parking lot, my mind trembling and my body shaking, “I can’t God, I just- I cant! Please, I can’t...” I called my music teacher, and explained that I was making a last minute cancellation (yes, I realize it was a low move.) and I just began to drive. I drove and drove, taking as many back roads as I could, letting the anxiety and stress be washed away by the tears that had begun to flow. I began to open my heart before my Abba Father, breaking down my desperation in his presence. And I felt him there, as I drove, it was as if he was sitting beside me, just quietly listening, not saying a word, and honestly, that was more frustrating.
“Turn”What? I felt the nudge again,“Turn” Okay! Okay! I’ll turn!
I found myself traveling up a small dirt road, nothing but the melting snow around me. “Stop” I did. “Okay God,” I said as I climbed out of the car, “I’m here, whatever that means.”
The little turns and nudges of the spirit had led me to a barn. Old and breaking down, lichen growing up its sides with the roof sagging. It was beautiful, in a rustic, sad sort of way.
I Pulled out my camera, (cuz yeah I am that person) snapping a few photos before turning to go back to the car, but I stopped again, it was like some type of irresistible curiosity had consumed me. So I climbed the fence, and headed over to where doors had once been.
Inside, it felt like a whole other world; sunlight had found its way in amongst the holes in the roof, and broken pieces of mirror shattered it into a million pieces… a mosaic of light upon the old walls. And for a moment, I forgot everything. I let myself be enveloped int the light, engaging in community with my maker. I began to be filled, overwhelmed again, but this time, by the presence of the Holy Spirit washing over me. My heart and soul began to overflow, and I could physically feel God.
Time stood still, and so did I; unable to move as I basked in a moment unlike any other I’ve ever had. I can’t tell you all that happened in that singularity, but when I stepped out of that old barn some two hours later, everything that I’d held inside me, the grief, frustration, exhaustion, anger and pain? It had all just been cleared away, now held by Jehovah-Rapha; the God who heals.
God met me. In the unlikeliest of places, in a spot only he could have appointed, a place where he knew my heart would be softened… In the old, broken barn, I found beauty. In a place full of shattered things, there was splendor.
How so this pictured my life, all the pieces that I counted broken and useless, that only hurt me to acknowledge, Abba was asking me to give to him, to let Him take them and create beauty from my brokenness; to create a masterpiece.
A wise woman once said “Where there is no lack, there is no need for the Spirit to move”* How right she is, for when I am weak, unable to do things in my own strength, then must I lean on my Savior, just as I was always meant to.
Take a moment to hear the heart of God, to understand what He is saying to you, to let Him meet you.
to let Him be the God who is, who was, and the God who will always be.
*quote can be found here