It’s been THAT week. The week where everything that could go wrong did. The week where I was lonely, frustrated, confused and dreaded going back to Montana. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Montana, it’s home for me. But I wanted to stay down in Tennessee. Where everything was new, where my bother was, where no one knew me and where I could mix things up a bit. I didn’t want to go back to my same old routines, to everything I knew.
It’s just- you know, I’m not okay. that’s it. Im not okay.
This post really isn’t gonna be anything inspirational. Im not gonna say that I had some superb revelation. Or that I had some surreal experience from knowing I was in pieces.
But I did promise to be honest in my writings. So thats what i’m trying to do.
Here it goes: I have felt more broken this week than I have in a long time. Everything felt shattered and I didn’t now how to put myself back together. My emotions were all over the place, and I was feeling things more deeply than usual. Nothing felt quite right, I just wanted to shut everything out. It was, well, ugh.
Yeah, I don’t really know what to say. I’m tired, I’m emotional, I’m completely exhausted to the point of tears-no, beyond the point of tears. Im just at that point where you just numb everything out. You don’t even have the energy to cry anymore. Yeah, that’s where I’m at.
So what do I do, eh? Sit back and let the feelings overwhelm me? Stuff them down and pretend that something isn’t bothering me? I’m honestly not sure.
I want to be strong for the ones around me, I want to be the person they can come to when they need to, the one that they can rely on. And I am… but am I tearing myself down in the process? Is some of this destruction partly my own doing?
I make th point of building others up, trying to make sure my words are something that will build up their lives, but am I doing the same for myself?
Are the things I tell myself building me up and encouraging me? Is the music I listen to and the movies I watch edifying me? Or are they breaking down the defenses that protect my heart and soul?
And this isn’t to say that by any means, that I cant watch or listen to these things, but am I balancing them out with other things?
Am I spending as much time with my family and siblings as I do on my computer? Am I counteracting the intake of films and tv shows with something that challenge me?
What about my drawing and music? Am I forgoing these things to enjoy my “leisure time” or has it just become a time to avoid the things that build me up and challenge me?
I’m not sure, I think I need to take some time and reconsider.
I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just needed to write. But even amidst all the chaos and questioning there has been good moments. I had so many precious moments with my family down here. I looked in awe at the beauty this state had to offer. So vast and different, yet equally beautiful. maybe I did learn something form all this. I learned that I don’t always have to be whole.