Now you see me. Now you don't.
There is nothing quite as frightening as losing the only prowess you have.
My eyes, I’ve gradually been losing my vision since I was very young. And even though I’ve been expectant and knowing of this for years, it hasn’t made it any easier. So you can imagine the terror I felt when I woke up one morning, being unable to see out of my right eye.
It came without physical pain, it came in silence. A thief in the night...A grey film to steal the sunlight from me.
My panic increased as I tried to calm myself, I couldn’t escape the overwhelming fear that encompassed me.
Fear that everything I loved, the mountains, the hills, my family and friends were all being torn from me. Fear that I would never get to see the beauty this world has to offer. Fear that I would never get to see the faces of my children, fear that I would be plunged into the same darkness that tries so hard to swallow me.
I’ve never had a ton, but I have always had my sight. Growing up, few things gave me as much pleasure as lying in the grass watching the clouds above me roll by. But the knowledge that there was soon coming a time where I would no longer be able to enjoy such trifles, struck something deep within me. A primal fear of sorts- I spent the next 20 minutes crying, intervaled by throwing up.
It was, to say the least, a very rough day for me.
I'm not gonna make this into some inspirational post, with some sublime message about faith. I can’t. I don't know how. Because I don’t know what's happening, or really even how to respond to it.
Because honestly I am scared, I'm very scared and kinda feeling broken right now. Because I can’t see or understand how any good could come out of this. Because ultimately. I still want to see. I want my eyes.
And right now the thought of losing them scares me more than most anything. Because I don’t know how to handle this. So I'm dealing the only way I know how, through my writing.
When I write, the release comes. The release to be raw, to feel, to admit that I’m not doing as good as I pretend to be. The release to be a little more human.
This isn’t a sympathy or pity post. Rather me trying to be honest. I’m scared okay? But I’m even more scared that I’m gonna let this ruin me, break me. That I’m going to be shattered and defeated by this, unable to move on in life. That scares me more than my sight slipping away.
I don’t know what to say. I guess my flood of words is over.
A future that once seemed planned and simple, is now fading. My plans slipping like sand between my fingers. I don’t know what to do.
I thought I knew where my life was headed, and now, I know nothing.
Huh. Now you see me, now you don’t. A cruel irony of life I suppose.
-Joy Downer 2.18.18